Ladies: More Men Read Twilight Than You Think

I'm in the military, and in the military we search diligently for ways to shred each others ego and confidence, purely for shits and giggles. One of my army buddies, we will call him "Mills," one time admitted that he found his mothers vibrator when he was 5 years old. He didn't know what it was, so when he turned it on and found out it went 'bzzz', he became curious and started to toy with it.

I'm going to use his exact words.

"And, I mean, I liked the way it vibrated on my teeth..."

'nuff said. He has yet to live that story down. He put his own mothers heavenly batteries into his mouth and bit down, finding ecstasy in the way it jiggled his goods, just as any woman naturally would.

This relates to Twilight in such that if any of my army buddies discovered that I read Twilight, I would be asked such questions as "b'Rock, do you take it up the ass?" and "b'Rock, I can't legally, according to the army code of conduct, ask you if you are gay... but what I can ask is do you smoke cock back at home?"

Back in June of 2009, I had just started reading the Twilight series. I was on 2 weeks of active duty (I'm reserve National Guard, if you were wondering) and I had my Twilight book on me. There I was, on my cot, in the middle of bum-fuck no where, hiding under my sleeping bag with my red light flashlight, and I had just hit the meadow scene. Edward was all throwing trees and shit to impress Bella, like any real manly vampire should to attract his mate, when suddenly my superior, call him "Burrow," rips off my sleeping bag to play a practical joke in which he was going to shove the dull end of a broom stick up my gouche (this is normal in the army, we get really bored).

Broom raised in the air, ready to come crashing down in a place I consider very private, he reads the cover of the text I was using to defend myself from such atrocities. We stared at each other, for what felt like forever, and I thought he would suddenly fall into the fetal position, laughing hysterically and create an offensive nick name that would stick to me for as long as I stayed in the Guard. Instead, he leans down and whispers, "...You read Twilight too?"

b'Rock: "Yeah."
Burrow: "Dude, I thought I was the only one in the unit. Come outside, we gotta talk."

We smoked numerous ciggarettes, talking and laughing about all the Twilight we could think of. Then, Burrow's superior, "Pink," walks by and over hears us. He stops and inquires us about the series. A few days later, I finished the book and let him borrow it as I started working on New Moon. Pink finishes it in 3 days.

Up until this point in time, I felt I was one of few who was male and enjoyed a 12 year old high-school-based love story. Fortunately, I was wrong.

A few weeks later, I headed to a college town I always party at with my friend J. There's tons of young college females there, ripe in age, ready to be ravaged vigorously in the sack, and this is a service I provide with satisfaction guaranteed. I get drunk, as any true alcoholic would like myself, and I'm so shit faced I can hardly speak. I meet a guy who's name I have since forgot, but he asked me where I was from.

Let me say this: this is seriously one of the most attractive guys I've ever seen. I'm not gay or anything, but this guy is tall, buff, brown hair and blue eyes, broad shoulders, the whole smack that Brad Pitt has and then some. Hearing this come from his mouth was odd.

I was born in Alaska, and I grew up in Seattle. So when I tell him this, he gets sort of shy. This is a guy that went from total badass confidence to shy in a split second, and I'm confused. The next question was this:

"Have you ever, like, I dunno, been to a place called.... Forks? It's near Port Angeles."

AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TWILIGHT WAS! I drag him aside.

b'Rock: "Dude, you read Twilight?"
Guy: "Uh, no. I don't know what you're talking about."
b'Rock: "Bella and Edward met in Forks. That's the only reason anyone has ever heard of that town."
Guy: "Dude, you read it?"
b'Rock: "Fuck yeah. But no, I've never been to Forks. There's nothing there."
Guy: "...You're the shit."

We then became great friends that night, picked up chicks together, and never spoke again.

Women, all the men mentioned in this story, Burrow, Pink, Guy, and myself, are exceptionally attractive. I'm not trying to be cocky, it's just something my parents were kind enough to give me through the gene pool. Pink is in his late 40's and even he is still keeping up with his body and looks. Did I forget to mention that? Pink is in his LATE 40's, a male, and is now working on Eclipse as of the last time I saw him (yesterday).

This is what I'm saying: I hear your cries. I hear how women are treated when they mention Twilight. The pain and agony your husbands, boyfriends, and fuck buddies feed you because of the four books you read is relentless. I'm here to tell you, and give you hope, that there are men who know that Edward was a goddamned asshole in New Moon and are pissed off at those pages that read "October...November...December..." and that Jacob just may be a better boyfriend than him because HE DIDN'T LEAVE and treat it like HE NEVER EXISTED. They feel you, they are there, and continue to try to get your significant others to read these books. They may not enjoy them, which means 1) They're stupid and 2) You need to get rid of them and find someone like me.

Keep trying. Don't let up. Men give in, just as I did, to the poison which is called "The Twilight Saga."

P.S. I'm really close to finishing New Moon. It has taken me a long time to finish it due to work, school, military, and 400 pages of no Edward. I'm about to start Eclipse though, and I'll be able to make more references. Please don't ruin anything for me, MyLifeSinceTwilight tells me everything about the story and I have to ignore her, and I tread carefully when I read my Twislut erotica and those fan fiction stories and shit.