Ladies: More Men Read Twilight Than You Think

I'm in the military, and in the military we search diligently for ways to shred each others ego and confidence, purely for shits and giggles. One of my army buddies, we will call him "Mills," one time admitted that he found his mothers vibrator when he was 5 years old. He didn't know what it was, so when he turned it on and found out it went 'bzzz', he became curious and started to toy with it.

I'm going to use his exact words.

"And, I mean, I liked the way it vibrated on my teeth..."

'nuff said. He has yet to live that story down. He put his own mothers heavenly batteries into his mouth and bit down, finding ecstasy in the way it jiggled his goods, just as any woman naturally would.

This relates to Twilight in such that if any of my army buddies discovered that I read Twilight, I would be asked such questions as "b'Rock, do you take it up the ass?" and "b'Rock, I can't legally, according to the army code of conduct, ask you if you are gay... but what I can ask is do you smoke cock back at home?"

Back in June of 2009, I had just started reading the Twilight series. I was on 2 weeks of active duty (I'm reserve National Guard, if you were wondering) and I had my Twilight book on me. There I was, on my cot, in the middle of bum-fuck no where, hiding under my sleeping bag with my red light flashlight, and I had just hit the meadow scene. Edward was all throwing trees and shit to impress Bella, like any real manly vampire should to attract his mate, when suddenly my superior, call him "Burrow," rips off my sleeping bag to play a practical joke in which he was going to shove the dull end of a broom stick up my gouche (this is normal in the army, we get really bored).

Broom raised in the air, ready to come crashing down in a place I consider very private, he reads the cover of the text I was using to defend myself from such atrocities. We stared at each other, for what felt like forever, and I thought he would suddenly fall into the fetal position, laughing hysterically and create an offensive nick name that would stick to me for as long as I stayed in the Guard. Instead, he leans down and whispers, "...You read Twilight too?"

b'Rock: "Yeah."
Burrow: "Dude, I thought I was the only one in the unit. Come outside, we gotta talk."

We smoked numerous ciggarettes, talking and laughing about all the Twilight we could think of. Then, Burrow's superior, "Pink," walks by and over hears us. He stops and inquires us about the series. A few days later, I finished the book and let him borrow it as I started working on New Moon. Pink finishes it in 3 days.

Up until this point in time, I felt I was one of few who was male and enjoyed a 12 year old high-school-based love story. Fortunately, I was wrong.

A few weeks later, I headed to a college town I always party at with my friend J. There's tons of young college females there, ripe in age, ready to be ravaged vigorously in the sack, and this is a service I provide with satisfaction guaranteed. I get drunk, as any true alcoholic would like myself, and I'm so shit faced I can hardly speak. I meet a guy who's name I have since forgot, but he asked me where I was from.

Let me say this: this is seriously one of the most attractive guys I've ever seen. I'm not gay or anything, but this guy is tall, buff, brown hair and blue eyes, broad shoulders, the whole smack that Brad Pitt has and then some. Hearing this come from his mouth was odd.

I was born in Alaska, and I grew up in Seattle. So when I tell him this, he gets sort of shy. This is a guy that went from total badass confidence to shy in a split second, and I'm confused. The next question was this:

"Have you ever, like, I dunno, been to a place called.... Forks? It's near Port Angeles."

AS IF I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TWILIGHT WAS! I drag him aside.

b'Rock: "Dude, you read Twilight?"
Guy: "Uh, no. I don't know what you're talking about."
b'Rock: "Bella and Edward met in Forks. That's the only reason anyone has ever heard of that town."
Guy: "Dude, you read it?"
b'Rock: "Fuck yeah. But no, I've never been to Forks. There's nothing there."
Guy: "...You're the shit."

We then became great friends that night, picked up chicks together, and never spoke again.

Women, all the men mentioned in this story, Burrow, Pink, Guy, and myself, are exceptionally attractive. I'm not trying to be cocky, it's just something my parents were kind enough to give me through the gene pool. Pink is in his late 40's and even he is still keeping up with his body and looks. Did I forget to mention that? Pink is in his LATE 40's, a male, and is now working on Eclipse as of the last time I saw him (yesterday).

This is what I'm saying: I hear your cries. I hear how women are treated when they mention Twilight. The pain and agony your husbands, boyfriends, and fuck buddies feed you because of the four books you read is relentless. I'm here to tell you, and give you hope, that there are men who know that Edward was a goddamned asshole in New Moon and are pissed off at those pages that read "October...November...December..." and that Jacob just may be a better boyfriend than him because HE DIDN'T LEAVE and treat it like HE NEVER EXISTED. They feel you, they are there, and continue to try to get your significant others to read these books. They may not enjoy them, which means 1) They're stupid and 2) You need to get rid of them and find someone like me.

Keep trying. Don't let up. Men give in, just as I did, to the poison which is called "The Twilight Saga."

P.S. I'm really close to finishing New Moon. It has taken me a long time to finish it due to work, school, military, and 400 pages of no Edward. I'm about to start Eclipse though, and I'll be able to make more references. Please don't ruin anything for me, MyLifeSinceTwilight tells me everything about the story and I have to ignore her, and I tread carefully when I read my Twislut erotica and those fan fiction stories and shit.

Here We Go...

Hi, I'm b'Rock. I'm a 21 year old college male, which means the only thing on my mind is mind - blowing sex with numerous amounts of women, getting so shit-tank drunk that I give AA meetings a new definition, and not suffering any consequences of my actions.

A few months back, my best friend, who happens to be the author My Life Since Twilight here on blogspot, had mentioned she read Twilight. And watched the movie. And seen all the behind the scenes on youtube. And facebook stalked Spunk Ransom and hacked a NASA satellite to pin point his exact location. The girl went fucking nuts about this teeny bopper book about vampire love and would endlessly talk about it, especially when we would get drunk. This got old quick, and I had to put a stop to it. Unable to hear one more goddamn thing about how badly Bella and Edward needed to bone, I made a deal. I told her I'd read the book if she stopped talking about it. This is where the blog gets good.

She accepted my offer, and I went to the store and bought the lame shit. I figured if I read slowly, I wouldn't hear her shit for a while. She was really into that fan fiction, which was talking about cold, long, hard vampire cock, which apparently "can make any woman drip with just a few sentences." You have to realize, being an early 20's guy, this sounds fucking retarded.

I read the book slowly. I'm not the kind of guy that reads a lot, I'm too busy being publicly innappropriate and wondering who the next woman is who gets the honors of giving me a blow job and cooking me a steak while I play Xbox. And I know what you're wondering... What happened to make me want to start this blog?

The Meadow Scene, that's what the fuck happened.

Book was done a few hours later, and now I wanted to talk to her about it.

Great, now I'm one of those fag teeny bopper lovers who beats off to the quote "So the lion fell in love with the lamb", only I'm a GUY! This can not be happening. I'm too manly for this. I'm in the military, I punch walls randomly just for fun, and have raging morning wood that's so bad, I require a pill that delivers the opposite effect of viagra just to make it through the day. My libido is that of a jack rabbit jacked up on cocaine and enzyte. I'm so horny it hurts.

So one day, My Life Since Twilight (I'm not sure what she wants me to call her yet on here) says "Hey, why don't you use it to pick up chicks? It'll totally work." I discredited this, because if a girl knew I read that book, I'd be automatically declared a vagina. I thought I'd have a better chance with women wearing a pink shirt that says "I'm gay, single, and I catch more balls than the Atlanta Braves."

Then I read some stories online about men who lost their wifes to this series. "Wah, my wife likes Edward more than me, wahhh." Although, I see where they're coming from, I decided to take My Life Since Twilight's advice, only I was going to take it a step further. I was going to do my best to, literally, become Edward Cullen. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, and there's no beating this Ed guy. I could never reach his perfection, no, but anything that remotely resembles Ed is drooled upon. I discovered this quickly.

I now roam around my university, preying upon unsuspecting women. I can spot a Twislut from 50 yards, tell her she smells "absolutely delicious," ask her if she has ever heard of a book called "Eclipse, or New Moon," and when she gets excited and asks me if I read them, I simply say "of course, I'm just your regular hopeless romantic."

I am then pounced on, usually in front of large crowds, and get raped. My goal this week is to get another, and treat her real nice by watching porn before she gets home, putting a bag of ice on my crotch and give her the real Edward Cullen experience. I don't plan on leaving the sack for at least a week.

This blog is for men who need advice on how to use these techniques on women, my stories of success in using Twilight on women, and to have wives show their husbands this blog so that the wives might get laid again instead of having a husband who's jealous of a fictional vampire.


This book is the ultimate pick up line.